Monday 26th August 2024: From the silence of autism… ACHOO!

Hi everyone,

So. Today I’m sick as a dog. Part of that, for me, is that speaking becomes very difficult. I am too tired to speak. This is a source of joy to everyone who knows me, because they can finally speak without me interrupting them and make them accountable for what they’re saying. Yes I’m talking about my brat of a partner. Hi babe!

I’ve had to cancel my mentoring sessions today, due to my continued high temperature and general state of UGGGHHHH. When I can’t talk, I can’t do my job. Instead, I’m currently writing this while my PA Nick is trying to machete his way through my chaotic attempts at ‘organisation’ – I think that’s what people call it? I don’t know, I’m new here.

Tomorrow, we have QND again, the queer neurodivergent writers’ group. I love it and I’m frustrated that I might not have the capacity to speak in order to run it tomorrow. But I will try my damnedest to get there.

NEWSFLASH! Having just croaked with (spoken is not the word) the pharmacist. I need to take more ventolin, warm drinks, lots of rest and give my voice rest for the day. I’ll check in to see how I’m doing tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll be able to do QND then. If not, maybe the beautiful Luke Chaston takes over? In any case, if you’re neuroqueer and into writing, please get in touch with me so you can be added to the mailing list. I will also be at Autscape from Wednesday, even if I need to wear a facemask to protect other people from my diseased face.

The cultural concept of the autistic person as congenitally mute and inside a fortress of our own making is, naturally, false. Even those for whom speaking is too painful communicate constantly.

When I can’t speak, it’s sometimes because my throat is in pain, sometimes because speaking is like lifting a concrete block from the middle of my chest using only my lungs. And they’re made of, like loofah. Think ‘what if Atlas was for sale at Lush, but in the diaphragm?’ That’s the vibe I’m going for. Today, I’ve got both. Because of course I do.

The only response I can give is, frustratingly, to rest. I hate resting. It makes me feel lazy and fat and stupid. These are some really old feelings, that pop up every time my body doesn’t listen to what it’s told. I have gotten into the habit of going way too hard and burning out even harder. When my body needs rest it simply shuts down, donkey-like. I may not like it, but my body is right.

I’m going to actually rest now. Next week, some Autscape impressions, I expect.

Okay love you bye!

JORIK’S READING LIST

Currently reading: Asperger’s Children by Edith Scheffer. Long-time having-it-sit-on-my-shelves-er, first time reader. I like it and I will use it for Feeling Fast and Slow, but I am sometimes a bit irritated with what I’m feeling is a mild anti-left bias in the edit of this book. The focus on fascist society being necessarily homogenous is a bit off – as if the bad thing about nazism was the uniforms. But I’m probably seeing problems where there aren’t any. I find her central thesis totally convincing though and you will see me respond to it in FFaS.

Just read: Deep Sniff by Adam Zmith. On the surface, it’s a history of poppers, amyl nitrate, and its use in the queer community, particularly in the second half of the 20th century. Poppers were and are a vital part of many queer men’s sex lives, even if they were previously blamed for HIV – a charge that Zmith comprehensively debunks. It’s a very neuroqueer book, challenging labels and historicising the ways we are expected to think about identity. It’s also a bit slight, I recommend seeking out Leo Herrera’s work on poppers, which Zmith is in dialogue with. For more: Deep Sniff | Adam Zmith